


Starring Role

by teamania



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Dealing with fear, Fluff, Instropection, M/M, Realisations, Relationship clearly implied, Unrequited Love, Unrequited to Mutual love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-20 18:11:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4797329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teamania/pseuds/teamania
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto Tachibana never knew when Haru's friendship wasn't enough.<br/>Although he is content with being just by his side, or that's what he often tells to himself like a chant.<br/>But you can't always lie to yourself, can you? </p><p>Makoto centric in the first chapter. </p><p>[Remake]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Scared to act

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!  
> So this is my first MakoHaru fic! I hope you like it!  
> I'm a newbie writer so don't hate me.  
> Also English isn't my main language, so I apologise beforehand for any kind of mistakes you might encounter in the work.  
> [Remake]  
> 

He really didn't know when the idea of a platonic relationship wasn't enough anymore.  
The realisation didn’t come in a moment of truth, like an epiphany, it was progressive, blossoming deep within every fiber of his being, profound in his skin. Perhaps he should’ve been more alert to the signs, maybe those sentiments weren’t normal for two best friends, maybe his affection morphed into something more serious, something you can’t hide in simple sight. It’s like when you take a little dip in mild waters, you feel comfortable, safe and without you knowing, you already took a dive and now you start awakening, noticing that you no longer are in the certainty and stability of the earth, you’re surrounded by a rich shade of blue and it colours your whole world in a new light you didn’t know you could experience.  
You’re drowning and you don’t know how to fight it. 

You discover new things, new emotions that energise your whole body, dancing, flowing almost graciously every time you see them. Is like you get a little bit of the warmth of the sun of a nice spring day just when you see them appear.  
Your life seems to catch and grab new colours, new palettes and you almost forgot what it was to live without it. 

It gives you so many, enriches your way of seeing things, soothes you, accompanies you wherever you go. 

You can’t hide it, you feel like it explodes, like it’s visible to the naked eye. You no longer have control of your affections. They escape, running around, showing every one your thoughts, those privates thoughts he would rather keep to himself.

And is not like feelings were something to feel afraid or ashamed of.  
But Makoto was afraid, terrified of what that convey, of what that could mean in his daily life, in his relationships. Would it show so much? Would he discover other terrains? Would he like it or not?

After all, he had a preference for anything safe. But since he noticed his feelings, he also discovered new aspects he didn’t believe he could possess. Something he wouldn’t dare to feel but still couldn’t help it, no matter how much he tried and tried.  
He’s always been so diligent and hard working. 

Everything you sow, reaps.  
That is the kind of person he is. 

Makoto Tachibana has a selfless and caring nature, always putting everyone's desires above his, doing everything in his might to help a troubled person, extremely sensitive and unusually perceptive of others emotions. It was just natural that, when the whirlpool of emotions hit him, the first thing he did was panic. He felt scared, confused, anxious, but at the same time he felt like his chest was burning with a fire, warming up every single part of his soul, he felt ecstatic because the person he cared about was someone so wonderful and amazing and finally reassured because it was someone he knew and that he could trust. 

Nonetheless, the thought of wanting him, of loving him, aching for him, was enough for Makoto to work hard to repress it. He knew he wouldn’t get anything good out of it. Not only he would jeopardise his relationship with someone that cared about him, but also inconvenience his friends with his unwanted affection. It would be wrong, he would feel like he was imposing something onto him, and the least he wanted to do was to bother the person whom he holds most dearly. 

In a perfect world, what he felt would’ve been an infatuation, something that only lasted within months and as quick as it appeared it subdued, but he knew better, this was a product of a seed growing in time, stronger and with complex roots. 

The first days were like hell to him, trying to act “normally” was more difficult than he thought. Fighting against his desires and battling viciously his feelings was in fact futile. Not only he caught attention from Haruka but also his friends that noticed that something was odd with the captain. 

His beautiful forest green eyes were lidded almost all the time, tinted with tiny lines of red and shades of deep purple. Obviously, he wouldn’t give up so easily on his task, he needed to try, to do it right, hence he seeked for answers and failed. 

He couldn’t be so selfish; it wouldn’t be right. His mind was screaming for him to be rational, to stop with those troubling emotions but how could he?

Haruka was amazing in every single way. He was extremely talented and intelligent, Makoto never met someone as incredible as he was. It was like he saw things differently; in a spectrum it could be difficult to project to. Perspicacious and sharp, not very outgoing, however he knew he held his friends quite closely to his heart, he was loyal to the core and caring. He didn’t have to say much, usually with just a look, everything he wanted to share could be noticed. 

And let’s not talk about his physique. 

Well, Tachibana was in the age where his hormones would be quite… alive.  
He knew that his friend had an incredible body, and sometimes he would find himself getting out of breath of with a dry throat.

The heat on his cheeks was hard to get used to. 

Every time he ogled him, something stirred within him.  
His pale, milky skin, glowing with pristine droplets, his wet raven hair, so perfectly in place, his deep blue eyes… 

That colour blue, shining bright like the sun against the sea seemed to entice him, and all he wanted to do was to be drown by that water. Sometimes he found himself engrossed on his orbs. It was harder every time to explain why he stared so much. 

Oh, and when they accidentally touch.  
It felt like fire touched that patch of skin leaving a trail of electricity.  
It felt delightful yet dangerous. 

When their eyes met it was like some spark ignited on Makoto, leaving him with no air and losing himself of the enigma that was his friend. 

Haruka made him feel like he was in another type of universe, some that only the two of them felt and knew. One where he felt save and a profound love. One that made him feel like he could do anything. It made him feel stronger, better and with a happiness he didn’t get anywhere else. 

He made Makoto feel important. Like no one else made him feel. He knew his friend got him like no one else did. That he read him like a book. And it was mutual. He knew Haruka like no one else did…

Or at least he hoped for that. 

Honestly, Makoto is devoted to Haruka. Haru taught him so much, he was his strength, he presented him swimming, friendship, team work, how to take and genuinely care about someone else. Without him, he probably wouldn’t be the person he wasn’t today. 

Knowing Haruka almost all his life, showed him an insight on some aspects, the good and bad of him, even though, in his imperfection, Makoto finds the good stronger than anything else in Haru.  
He learned to know when he was upset, he knew that he had no “dreams”, no “passion”, unless it was free style, he knows that behind that cold façade there’s someone very warm. He knows how kind he can be, and also how lonely and devoid of motivation he can feel.  
Even though, he wouldn’t love him less for that.

Their friendship had solidified through understanding, and even with silent communication. They could sense how the other was feeling with just a single glance, despite they were quite adept at fooling everyone else. It was like they were intertwined with a bond, that was designed with intricate patterns. Words were no longer needed and a deep sense of belonging was placed upon. 

It was probably like a little bit of magic for others. 

Haruka was often misunderstood since he had a silent and aloof demeanour, no one could even think what his intentions were at first, except Makoto. And Mako, kind and warm like the sun, never showed sadness, but only him knew how he truly felt. 

They were complete opposites.

Haruka bad with words, nonetheless he wasn’t afraid to actually say what he wanted or do it. He is honest and might even come as blunt for his tactless ways. Then there’s Makoto, who always seems to know the right things to say, nonetheless never expresses what he truly wants, concerned more about other’s desires and hiding every “obscure” feeling within him. 

So different yet complementary.  
That’s the way they worked, like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, fitting perfectly against each other.

Together they were better, they helped each other and cared about their well being. 

And no one could disagree that there was no better pair of people that understood and care for each other as they did. 

However, nothing is as simple as it seems.  
Despite knowing each other like the palms of their hands, they were clearly oblivious to the feelings that had nurtured in the early teen years. 

And misunderstandings arose. 

Especially since one of them was convinced that his feelings were more a liability.  
And slowly it was draining every drop of hope he had. 

Makoto was terrified.  
He was sure, that his feelings were one-sided and slowly that poisoned his mind.  
Thoughts filled and swam around his head, constantly tormenting him, with pointless what if’s. Many scenarios of Haruka rejecting his affection appeared like a movie upon his eyes. The fright of his friend leaving him when he learnt how badly he ached for him, how much he wanted to tell him that he loved him, that he wanted to make him happy. His undisclosed desires in his heart were so strong and yet, he felt so ashamed for having those. 

Just imagining those beautiful blue eyes as cold as the winter’s breath created a knot in his throat and an unpleasant drop in his stomach. 

Every day he felt cowardly, he couldn’t say it, even if those words were aching in the tip of his tongue, desperate to be told, to be savoured.  
But he couldn’t he never could.  
In his own opinion he wasn’t worthy of Haru, he never could. He had nothing to provide to him, he wasn’t as talented as him, he would pull him behind. He didn’t ignite that passion, that fiery glow he had when he battled against Rin. He didn’t make him want to overcome himself, to cross new boundaries, to give him hope. 

He was just there, a viewer of one of the most amazing movies he had ever seen, but never would be a part of. He was just a fan, in love with someone unreachable, in love with a celebrity. 

Oh, he was so conscious he was just watching. That he wouldn’t be capable to act upon it. And it destroyed him. 

But he had to keep strong. 

He knew he wasn’t Rin, he didn’t make Haru alive like he did, he never made Haruka look at him with such enormous quantity of determination, with that overflowing power and fire that seemed to adorn his aura, making him more and more beautiful.  
And it would be a lie to say he wasn’t envious. He could feel the green exploring every single inch of him. Even if he wanted to supress it, it was there.  
But he knew, and that’s what keep him on bay, that Haruka would be happy with Rin and not himself. Because he made him glow.  
Like no one else.  
He shined like a beacon.  
It was breath taking.  
And Makoto could never stop that light.  
He would help it grow.  
Being by his side, helping him, loving him unconditionally, even if it pained him.  
Because Haru deserved it so much. 

And he would go to the infinity and beyond just to provide his happiness.  
He would do ANYTHING just to light up a little smile on his lips.  
Even if it means sacrificing his own selfish desires.  
There was nothing he wouldn’t do.

Yet he knew that he was just a secondary character and someone else was the starring role.  
But Tachibana adored Nanase, and he couldn't leave him alone. They had a friendship that was more important than every emotion he could feel. He had to cherish it, protect it, nurture it.  
Even if that meant stomping on his own heart, ignoring his own feelings.  
He wouldn’t care, he wouldn’t mind, he was determined to keep smiling for his sake, joyfully talking and supporting him. 

But every day was getting harder and harder to continue in this charade.

However, he couldn’t let those feelings jeopardise his relationships, no matter how strong they were.  
He swore to protect Haru, and that also implicated protecting him from his own personal sentiments. 

No matter how hard the challenge was, he had to continue. 

What he didn’t realise was that, perhaps…There was nothing to protect Haru from. 

But fear, it paralyzed him.  
And maybe, he would never learn the truth. 

Sometimes it’s easier to not give in than to dive.


	2. Ignorance is bliss

Haruka sees things, observes with those blue eyes which depth resembles the vast ocean. He knows, he’s alert, he knows something is not right, something is missing, something is wrong, terribly wrong.

All his life was coloured blue, every single thing he laid eyes on was even in a miniscule level, a shade of that colour which he adored. It accompanied him everywhere, it followed him around like a safe guide.

Until he discovered new colours.

Even if he doesn’t show it, he can see so much more. He doesn’t ignore how beautiful a little drop trailing down a leaf can be. How the sun warms up the chlorine in the pool, tinting it with golden ink.

His world is silent yet so filled with beauty he can only see. And sometimes that might be terribly lonesome. Staring at thing wouldn’t be called necessarily healthy. But he had no need, he had no need to rush, he wanted to stay still, to enjoy of the only thing that felt close to stability.

Water.

It wouldn’t leave him, whenever he went, he could always feel in his warm fingertips the cold and refreshing companionship that was water. He wouldn’t be rushed, judged, talked, ignored by it.

It was a constant thing. And he liked that, so very much.

Many things were constant but they could disappear, he knew that.  
But right now he craved for that stability, he craved for something that was infinite, something that wouldn’t change.

His heart was in a tumultuous state.  
Beating, hammering against his chest constantly.  
Aching, pumping, crying.  
It was a reminder of the things he was so wrong about.

Water never felt so cold like now.  
Never felt that icy touch, that smooth coldness hugging his body and reminding him of the current loneliness he was experiencing.

It always felt like home when he was like that, then why was it different? Why wasn’t it soothing?

Deep down, he knew the answer, it was partially his fault, he had been so wrong about this whole ordeal.

Haruka never knew how much the phrase “You never knew what you had unless you lose it” would be so relatable to him right now.

It was definitely cliché in all ways.

He took someone for granted and chose the wrong person.  
It was almost dramatic how the whole incident had played down.

When did he start harbouring those feelings?  
Why he was so blind with himself?  
Why did he lie so blatantly when the answer was just in front of him?

Why did he had to lose him?

It wasn’t fair. Not at all.  
Okay, probably it was, it was terribly selfish of himself to want him by his side.  
Especially when…

He thought he knew him, better than anyone else, understood him, cherished him (in his own way), he truly appreciated his friendship and valued it above everything. Although, now that he sees things more clearly, he might have been ignoring things that practically screamed the truth on his face.

He never noticed how his friend’s look changed while he was looking at him , how much of an enigma he was, how many varied emotions surfaced in his expression, how much depth it actually contained, how much his face was screaming for him to take notice, to understand the profundity of his affections. Failed to see how his eyes lit up like the sun when it rises, every time he looked at him. How he had a special smile, one that held a warmth that so strongly that it could warm every single fiber of your being. He never thought it was possible to show devotion with just a glance.  
But he could, Makoto could, and he didn’t see it at all.

Ignorance is bliss, they say.

Now he was soaked with cold water dripping down his hair, drowning on his feelings, feeling so incredibly foolish.

Haruka wouldn’t cry, he wasn’t like that, he never expressed his emotions like that.  
But he felt his eyes burning up like they never felt before.

He closed his eyes and a flashback of what happened came back to his mind, invading every single inch of it. Perturbing him in the worst way it could do. He remembered and felt everything he felt back then. 

* * *

 

Rin wasn’t what he thought he would be, yes, he ignited something that no one could do. It was like fire, strong, vibrant, wild, consuming. At first having him was like a thrill, like energy flowing through your veins, an adrenaline rush, you’re hyper aware, you feel everything more keenly and you feel in the top of the earth. That’s what you want, what you need to feel alive, like everything makes sense.

Or at least that was what he believed.

Rin pushed him to be more competitive and they had a bond, constructed by rivalry and friendship, that pressed them with the desire of being better, of doing better. That was until they grew out of it. Competition was a strong motivator nonetheless you find out that love, that companionship, is stronger.

But when they found themselves alone, with each other, naked to the core, stripped of any barriers they discovered that perhaps, what mainly put them together, was the same love and passion they had for swimming, in different ways, yet similar. And besides of it, there was nothing else.

Haruka didn’t get Rin’s emotions and vice versa. They never understood they had other paces, other way of sensing, feeling and discovering things. For quite a long time they were each other drives but there comes a time it isn’t enough.

It's never quite enough.

Haruka understood that their relationship was better as friends and that fiery and feisty passion was good at first, but not what he truly wanted, not what he needed, not what would make him get better. And the two of them knew that.

He was pretty sure he as well didn’t want Haruka as he wanted him as first. At first it always left a sour taste on his mouth but now it was an understanding of what was inevitable.

So when it was time to end it, it all went smoothly, smoother than he could’ve ever imagined.

Cut and clean and free of worries.  
He’d read that those things would hurt, but he felt like he was as weightless like a feather.

Perhaps it was never love and more a fling of hormones and teenager infatuation.  
It was never something more than that.

And for weeks, all was calm and tranquil, like a soft caress of a wave.  
Until Makoto found that drawing and everything came crumbling down in a spiral of awful realisations.

* * *

 

_Haruka was leisurely sitting down on his couch, eating some microwave popcorn, brought by Makoto, watching (or trying to) the TV screen in front of them. It was one of those movies his friend liked, it had a heart warming lesson and a lecture about friendship. Honestly, it bored him most of the time, but he deeply enjoyed the company that he provided. His eyes were half lidded and he could hear Morpheus calling him, in fact, he was about to succumb until he heard that familiar and earthy voice seeking him out._

_“Haru? Can you put pause to the movie, please? I really need to go to the bathroom.” His friend pleaded with his usual signature smile._  
_Haru just looked at him, acknowledging him and nodding to his command. Makoto seemed awfully relieved and went to the bathroom (not without saying thank you, of course!)._

_Nonetheless Haruka didn’t notice that when he crumbled down an old drawing and threw it to the basket earlier, it didn’t actually fell on it, instead, it laid down, comfortably against the bathroom tiles, aching for being picked up._

_And almost as it was destiny, Makoto found it._  
_And he felt as crumbled as the drawing was._

* * *

 Haruka remembers the look of his face when he came back, how pale his face looked, how devoid of warmth his eyes looked, how his usual light was taken out.  
That nervous and crooked smile he offered him, trying to shrug it off, trying to convince his friend and himself that he was alright but Haru knew better. What he didn’t know what triggered this, what could make his friend look so miserable like this. He felt anger stirring in him, whoever made him feel this way… It wasn’t right. His friend didn’t deserve this, he deserved happiness, he needed to be happy. He was one of the most kindest soul he ever knew. No one could have the right to make him feel this way.

It was not okay.

He looked at him, screaming with his expression to tell him what was wrong, to please let him open up to him like he always did, but this time it wasn’t like that. No, this was way different.

Makoto didn’t plan to open up, he looked at him with misty eyes and a melancholic look on his face.

He never felt so cold, so angry, so concerned, so confused.

* * *

 

_“I promise you, Haru… I’m alright, I just feel sick, that’s it… Don’t worry about me, really.” Makoto averted his eyes with a weak smile._

_Haruka knew better, he wasn’t fooling anyone. His friend’s eyes were plastered on the floor, his shoulder slumped and he looked worse than a kicked puppy. This wasn’t his friend; this was not him._  
_He could feel his chest hurting with a sharp pain, his eyebrows furred in a deep frown and his arms folded neatly on his chest._

_“No, you’re not fine, Makoto. You’re lying to me.” He replied with his usual tone and stared at the taller male waiting patiently for his response._

_He didn’t appreciate that his friend was lying to him, he felt almost betrayed, he wanted to demand him to be honest with him, but he knew he needed patience and he would give it to him, as much as he could._

_“Please, just… Don’t, Haru, I promise I’m fine…” his voice cracked, trembling in his own place. Haruka knew that by now he probably must’ve been tearing up._

_But this wasn’t right. He couldn’t let him be. He was in pain and he wanted to make it better, he wanted to make it right, he wanted to make him happy, like he always did to him. He deserved that and so much more. But he didn’t let him in and that angered him, he should know that he was there for him, that he will always be. His shoulders tensed up and his hands knuckled up in a tight fist._

_“That’s bullshit.” Haruka deadpanned. “I know you’re not fine. Tell me what’s wrong. Makoto, I want to help.”_

_“There’s nothing…” his voice sounded apologetic and shaken. He took a deep breath and did an effort to look at his best friend. He looked tired, frightened yet with a resolution he never had before._

_“Haruka there´s nothing you can do to make it right. You can’t… This, this is MY fault, not yours, I didn’t mean to look at that picture but I did. I did and I so regret it. I know this is not what you want and I’m truly sorry about how selfish I am going to be, but I can’t take it anymore, Haru, I can’t, I’m tired and… I don’t know for how long I’ve loved you and this, I know this isn’t what you wanted but I can’t go on without telling you, it’s consuming me and, I’m honestly so sorry this happened this way. I know I’m not what you want and… And… I can’t do this… Forgive me.”_

_Those were the last words he had listened from Makoto’s lips._

_Makoto already had run away before he could even process what he just heard._  
_And Haruka never dreaded so much drawing Rin as he did back then._

* * *

 After that, Haru remembers nothing of what happened after, it all passed like a blur, a lot of memories flooded his mind, showing him new aspects of Makoto he didn’t noticed before. The little things he did for him, the longing looks, the smiles, the light he projected, how happy his company made him feel.

And as if he was shaken by lightning, he had an epiphany.  
Makoto made him feel like home, safe, loved, cared for.  
They’d always been around each other, knowing, respecting and caring for each other. It was natural he wouldn’t notice that that kind of affection wasn’t, well, different. He was used to it that it never occurred to him that perhaps what he felt for him was not common. He wanted his happiness, he would do everything to see him smile, to make him feel right.

He wanted to make him laugh, to show him that smile that could light up the whole room, he wanted to see more of his shine of his eyes, those eyes that showed the loved he professed to him and he wanted to know him more, to discover more and more about his friend.

He caused this, his own ignorance caused his pain and he wasn’t acting on it.  
What the hell was he doing sulking in his own bathtub?

A fierce determination hit him as he stood up from that cold bed of water and prepared himself to go to do the right thing.

He wouldn’t lose him.  
Even if it was selfish, he just couldn’t.

And even if he acted desperate, he wouldn’t care.

He chose the first pair of clothes he saw, ignoring if they matched or not, and went running to the door, opening up abruptly.  
He could feel his heartbeat drumming against his ribcage, an adrenaline rush, different this time, it all was different. And it was all going to be according to plan. It had to.

But it didn’t.

Makoto was already there.

* * *

“Haru, I- “

“Shut up.” He interrupted by running onto him chest, embracing him tightly (almost knocking the two of them to the floor in the process) and burying his face on his chest. The familiar scent invaded his senses as he enjoyed the moment.

He could notice his friend was nervous, he could hear his friend’s heartbeat running rapidly, he noticed how hard he swallowed and the hesitation to reciprocate the action. But consequently he did, and he hugged him as tight as he did.

“H-Haru, what does this means?” Makoto asked with his voice filled with confusion and a hint of hope.

Haruka was tempted to laugh, to look at him and explain that it was obvious. Instead he glanced at him, cupped his cheeks and pulled him into a kiss.

It was clumsy, messy, silly, but it was perfect. He could taste the earthy flavour on his lips, the warmth, the familiarity and that sweet taste he never knew he could actually crave for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading! This is the last one. I'm really sorry if this isn't what you expected, nonetheless I needed to give it an ending. :)  
> At least our beloved Makoto is happy now.  
>  ~~I'm really sorry for the quality, it's been a long time since I actually saw free. orz~~


	3. Author's note

About the work, I did some major changes, however the essence is still the same.  
Thank you very much for all of you that left kudos and I hope you enjoy the new version as well!  
I will probably write some more these few days!  
I hope you all have a great day!


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